TW: Eating disorders and body confidence issues

My struggle with body confidence and eating

As someone who struggles with body confidence issues, every day is a constant "Am I going to look fat in this?", "Am I too big to wear this?" but this is something that I particularly struggle with in the Summer. Not only is it incredibly uncomfortable when it's too hot and you're still wearing a pair of trousers because you don't feel comfortable enough to show your legs, it also makes you doubt everything about your appearance even more.

Summer for most means shorts, crop tops, cute dresses and co ords. Summer for me means spending hours in changing rooms trying to find at least one thing that doesn't make me feel completely awful. It's feeling self conscious every time a group of slimmer people walk past me in the outfits I would love to be able to wear. It's avoiding Instagram because other people's new outfit posts can be so damaging for my confidence. It's awful.

I don't want people to think I'm saying that being "fat" is ugly, it's not what I'm saying. I'm talking about how I see myself and I want to make that clear before I move on.

I've never been particularly slim, I always felt like the 'bigger' one of the friendship group, the person that cut the labels out of their clothes so nobody could see the size. I still do this now. If I'm at someone's house, I frantically cut the labels out of my clothes before they go in the washing machine, I feel anxious that people will see the size and judge me but let's be honest, they aren't going to. Nobody is looking for the labels on my clothes. Nobody is judging me for my size, nobody important anyway. I've always had this difficult relationship with my weight and my appearance, something that I try to hide by promoting body positivity for everyone else. Like I said, it's only me that I see the issue with. I don't really know the aim of this post, I guess by trying to face the issue head on, it might help me to feel a bit more comfortable in my body.

For as long as I can remember, I've had issues with eating. It's definitely better now but I remember being in my younger years of secondary school and binge eating when nobody was around, usually late at night, to try and comfort eat and ignore the other mental health conditions that were getting progressively worse. This is weird to talk about. Late 2016, I put on a lot of weight, I was in my second year of A Levels, I was not happy at sixth form and I didn't have many friends. I still haven't been able to get rid of that weight and I hate it.

This Summer, I'm trying to be more body positive, I'm trying to take more outfit photos and I'm trying to be happier with the way I look. So far, it's not going too well. But, I'm trying. Writing this blog post is a big step as I'm acknowledging how I feel and writing about it, I'm trying to show the anxiety that I deal with daily.

The thing is, I'd love to do more make up and fashion posts. I have so many creative ideas that have just been suppressed by this fear of showing myself properly online and I want that to stop. I want to be able to freely share my newest purchases and not feel scared that I'm going to receive negative comments about my weight and appearance because hey, the internet can be mean sometimes.

I remember being on holiday last year and not uploading half of the photos of us having the best time because of the way my arms looked, the way my stomach looked large and the way my thighs looked bigger than average - I stopped sharing some of the best memories because I didn't want to show myself. This is a struggle. As someone who lives and works writing and sharing my life on the internet, it is a daily challenge trying to confront my issues with body confidence.

I recently got engaged. We aren't getting married for a couple of years but I'm already panicking about my appearance and my weight. I'm already stressing about how the way I look could ruin the best day of my life. I don't want to live like this.

My main point of this post is that I'm trying to work on it, I'm trying to acknowledge that I'm probably the only one that cares about my double chin and well if someone else does care, they evidently aren't worth my time.

This post was a bit of a ramble. I apologise for that.

What are your best tips for body confidence? Let me know!