working on me justalittlebitoflauryn

I haven't posted for a while, it's actually been nearly a month. Honestly, I've been a bit lost with what to post. I have ideas but can never find the motivation to write them and also, it's all just been a bit hectic. I'll have a new life update coming out soon and so, I won't dwell on what has really been going on behind the scenes here. However, the past week or so, something has switched in my mind about me, how I treat myself and how I need to just... get a grip. If someone else told me to get a grip, I'd be rather displeased but I guess I can say it to myself. I've just decided to spend more time working on me. 

It's true what they say, the only person you'll ever have around all of the time is yourself. So, why do I continue to be awful to myself? I put myself down at every instance and it's pretty obvious by now that I don't think too fondly of myself. But, I wouldn't treat a friend like that, I wouldn't treat anyone like that, so why do I do it to myself? It's not right. A few weeks ago, I realised that someone was just treating me badly and I thought 'hang on, I don't have to put up with this'. I deserve more than that.

In the past week, I have been actively trying to be kinder to myself. I have constantly been reinforcing these positive affirmations, trying not to hate every part of my body when I look in the mirror and really, just not letting everyone walk all over me. For as long as I can remember, I've disliked myself and I'm sick of feeling that way because it makes everything much harder and honestly, it's just unnecessary.

I know I'm not happy with my body and the way it looks but it's still functional, it still lets me do so many great things in life and I want to appreciate that more. Yes, I want to lose a lot of weight but why should I let myself beat myself up daily about how I look now? I saw a quote the other day saying "Don't let your mind bully your body" and it's something that I think about daily.

Then, we have my personality and the general person that I am. I've tried for years to be confident with who I am and I just can't. I question everything I say out loud and panic about social events before, during and after. I get myself worked up once I've said something thinking that I've sounded 'rude' and it's just draining. At the end of the day, I'm not going to have a personality transplant overnight so I just need to accept who I am, the fact that I do have mental health issues and a neurodevelopmental disorder and there's nothing I can do to change that. Really, if someone wants to judge that, then they shouldn't be the type of people that I want in my life.

This is a work in progress. I don't love myself. Sometimes, I wonder if I ever will. I see all of these body confident, self-loving people on social media and I do feel envy that I don't feel that way. Then, I have to remind myself that even the most confident people have bad days. I just hope that, with time, working on me will pay off and I'll feel a bit more comfortable with who I am.